


Groovymatch

by pookarootzi



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (Big Finish Audio), Doctor Who - Various Authors, Doctor Who: Eighth Doctor Adventures - Various Authors, Doctor Who: Past Doctor Adventures - Various Authors
Genre: Canon Queer Character, Cats, Gen, Male Character of Color, New York City, Original Character(s), Queer Character, Queer Themes, Speed Dating
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-10
Updated: 2014-01-10
Packaged: 2018-01-08 06:09:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1129242
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pookarootzi/pseuds/pookarootzi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lucie and the Doctor decide to drop by New York City in the sixties.  But, the Tardis team stumbles upon an unforeseen conundrum when Lucie participates in an anachronistic speed-dating event.  (Written in the style of the Big Finish Audio Dramas).</p>
            </blockquote>





	Groovymatch

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time finishing a work in several years (not including schoolwork). I do not hold it out to be a work of art. I simply hope that you find it entertaining and enjoyable. Please be gentle with criticisms. I'm new here. Enjoy!

GroovyMatch

Doctor: (mumbling to himself) The raw material compactor system’s pressure is inverted.  I see, it’s being expelled instead of stored.  That’s why the food dispenser isn’t dispensing.

Lucie: Have you seen me Beatles tee?

Doctor: Try the loo.  That’s where that whiffy thing belongs. 

Lucie: That’s not funny. 

Doctor: One of the things I love about you humans: you possess endless variations of necessary items, yet you insist on using one. 

Lucie: Taking a stab at my favorite tee, are you, mate?

Doctor: (not really paying attention) Yes, yes, something like that.  (turning back to his work) The gas exchange with the waste compactor system must be wonky.  Which means…the waste is being drawn in…(interrupted by Lucie)

Lucie: (interrupting him) Whatever.  You didn’t answer my question.

Doctor: Where did you last see your shirt, Lucie?

Lucie: I left it in the bin with the other dirty clothes, since you said you would be doing wash, today.  Well, where is it?

Doctor: Lucie, with 95% certainty, I can tell you that tee is no longer your favorite.

Lucie: What did you…? Where do you think you’re going?

Doctor: To check on the five percent. 

(scene change)

Doctor: I brought it to the storeroom to do the wash.  That was when I realized that something was wrong with the compactor systems’ pressure gauges.  It should still be in here.

Lucie: (cutting him off) Pooooh-weee! Smells like a girl’s camp bog.

(Squirting sound emerges)

Lucie: Gawd blimey…

Doctor: Shut the door!

(door slams shut)

Lucie: Bloody hell.  Was that, you know, our dirty squirties?

Doctor: I’m afraid it was.  I’ve got to fix the gas exchange system of the material compactor.  You know it’s not easy being the pilot, navigator, and mechanic of this tardis. 

Lucie: (not paying attention) and my shirt was under all that… Auntie Pat gave me that shirt, if you’d believe it, genuine merchandise from the Beatles’ farewell tour in ’78.

Doctor: (genuinely) I’m so sorry, Lucie. 

Lucie: I don’t blame you, Doctor.  It’s not like you spewed doodey juice on my clothes on purpose.  It’s just that traveling with you all this time, it was nice to have something that reminded me of home. 

Doctor: I’ll tell you what.  The material compactor can wait; I want to make it up to you. What do you say we work our way to 1964, just in time to catch the fab four live on their first U.S. tour? 

Lucie: Do you really mean it? With John and Paul and Ringo and the whole lot of ‘em?

Doctor: The whole lot of ‘em.  Just one thing…until I get this gas exchange system working, don’t be cross if you go to the food dispenser and find the concentrated food packs replaced by…ah, well, concentrated poo packs. 

Lucie: Can’t be worse than me mum’s black pudding.   

(new  scene)

Doctor: Here we are, Lucie, New York City 1964! A buffet of paisley, sleek skyscrapers, and Rockwell taxi cabs.  

Lucie: It’s like Sex in the City, but with winged eyeliner.

Doctor: (already on to orienting himself) 5th Avenue that way, Madison Avenue that way…

Info Lady: Are you folks tourists? Can I help you find anything? The empire state building is four blocks that way and Wall Street is just behind you. 

Doctor: Yes, we came here specifically for the Beatles concert tonight.  Do you know where we can purchase tickets?

Info Lady: The Beatles concert won’t be happening, tonight, I’m afraid.  It’s being postponed until Wednesday because of the security alert.

Doctor: Security alert?

Info Lady: Yeah, you must’ve heard about it.  It was only declared four weeks ago.  The airports are closed and the highways are roadblocked.

Doctor: No, I’m afraid we have not heard about it. 

Info Lady: I guess you greasers never were ones to read the news. 

Lucie: Oy, what are you trying to say?

Doctor: It’s nothing, Lucie.  (to the info lady) Go on, about the lockdown you were saying…

Info Lady: There were suspicions of Soviet espionage after the uranium was stolen from the Staten Island warehouse.

Doctor: Uranium ore…leftover from the Manhattan project! I thought it was destroyed after the war…

Info Lady: Apparently not.

Doctor: But why would someone steal uranium ore?

Info Lady: It’s obvious, isn’t it? The Russians probably stole it to make more nukes.

Doctor: But, that’s a lot of fuss for a presumably small reservoir, not to mention they have their own sources. 

Info Lady: I’m not qualified to answer that, just questions about attractions in the city.  Is there anything else you wanted to know?

Doctor: Well, if you would be so kind as to direct us to the location of the proper vendor to buy tickets for the Wednesday show. 

Info Lady: The Roosevelt Hotel, two blocks straight on Madison and take a right on East 45th Street. 

Doctor: Thank you.

(new scene – hotel bar)

Doctor: Things aren’t going so well, are they Lucie?

Lucie: You could say that.  You’re 0 for 2, doctor.  I need another drink. 

Coordinator: (speaking through a microphone) It’s almost time for Groovymatch! The new dating game where we pair you with eligible matches for five groovy minutes at a time!  First round starts in five!

Lucie: Groovymatch?

Doctor: It sounds like that dating system that encourages participants to meet a large number of potential suitors in small intervals of time.  What’s it called…?

Lucie: Speed dating!

Doctor: Yes, that’s it.

Coordinator: We’ve got ten dashing gents out tonight and nine beautiful dolls! Any ladies out there that would like to make it ten and even out the pairing?

Lucie: Checking out the talent, are you, doctor?

Doctor: No, no.  Just observing.  I can’t help but notice the women participating are of a different caliber than the men.  Do you see what I mean?

Lucie: All I see is that is that glorious hunk in the leather jacket.  He is _cracking_! Must be at least .8 mm caliber, don’t ye think?

Doctor: Lucie, where are you…Lucie, are you really going to subject yourself to feigning genuine consideration and attentive conversation when everyone knows opinions are formed in the first thirty seconds of meeting due to subconscious preferences? Further, I usually discourage my companions from courting humans from a different time. 

Lucie: Who ever said anything about courting? You know me, old chap, only in it to get some tail.  Oh, be a good boy and bring me another scotch.

Doctor: (sighs) (to himself, dryly) My choice in company is impeccable.

Coordinator: Will you be joining us, my dear? Ladies and gentleman, we have even pairs and will now be starting the first round of Grooovymatch!  You will be given five minutes to cavort and consort with your current candidate.  At the sound of the bell, all ladies to the groovy fellow to your right.  Let’s begin!

Hamilton: Hello, I’m Hamilton.

Lucie: Lucie Miller.

Hamilton: It’s a pleasure to meet you, Lucie.  I’ve never done this before, so I’m a little nervous.

Lucie: Same here.  I feel like I’m playing that children’s game with the little chickens and the magnets and you’re looking for the chicken that will stick to your chicken and not send it flying away. 

Hamilton: How eloquent.  Well, I guess I’ll break the ice by telling you a little about myself.  I’m a mechanical engineer, but first and foremost I’m a father.  My son, Jeff, will be turning three next month.  He’s a handful, I tell ya.  As a matter of fact I’ve got a picture of him right here in my wallet.  Isn’t he adorable, see here he had a tooth missing after his sister accidentally knocked it out with her pogo stick.  Fortunately it was just a baby tooth.  She’s almost six.  Her name’s Greta.  Here’s a picture of my baby girl.  She was in a dance recital in this picture.

Lucie: (Mumbling sarcastically) Just brill!

Hamilton: I beg your pardon.

Lucie: I mean, funky!

Hamilton: Yes, exactly.  So, Greta was lucky enough to be born with a twin brother, Herm.  Herm is our little athlete.  So, what I’m looking for in a woman is that motherlike quality.  Would you say you have a strong maternal instinct, Lucie Miller?

Lucie: I would say..,that’s the bell! Pleasure chatting. Cheerio.

Lucie: How bout, you, do you have an army of kids?

Orin: (confused) No… (speaks in a monotone voice, states it almost like a question) Hi, I’m Orin…?

Lucie: I’m Lucie. 

Orin: Hi, Lucie.  So, tell me about yourself. What do you do for a living?

Lucie: Well, I travel.  I travel through space….(hesitates while thinking) and time, space and time, really.  Sometimes through time and space.  In a box.

Orin: A box, like a car?

Lucie: No…not…really. (Eager to change the subject).  How about you? What’s your story?

Orin: I’m a commercial photographer, but I work out of my home studio. 

Lucie: It’s a wonder you need to come to an event like this, when you’re probably surrounded by glamorous models all the time.

Orin: Well, the models aren’t that glamorous.  They can be pretty smelly. One went to bathroom on my living room carpet, today.

Lucie: What? Those are some piss poor manners to take a wee on someone’s rug…pun not intended.

Orin: Well, it wasn’t her fault.  I just forgot to put out the litter box.

Lucie: Oh, she was a dog?

Orin: A cat. 

Lucie: Oh, you photograph cats?

Orin: Yes, you know for greeting cards and magazines.  They are generally very agreeable subjects.  I prefer to work with them than with humans.  I get nervous when I work with people, tend to drop equipment and jolt the camera and what not.

(break to doctor standing by coordinator)

Coordinator: Want to join in in the next round? A fashionable guy like you would get lots of love from the ladies.

Doctor: Oh, no thank you.  I’m waiting for my friend.  Tell me something, have these micro-dates ever resulted in a serious relationship?

Coordinator: Yes, in fact we’ve had several participants who’ve had tremendous luck with the program.  The couple, on our brochure, for example. Married one week after meeting at this event, if you can believe it. 

Doctor: One week after meeting? Why, that’s unheard of!

Coordinator: I know.  This is a photo they sent us from their honeymoon. 

Doctor: I see.

Coordinator: To Honolulu, I believe. 

Doctor: She doesn’t look very happy to be married.

Coordinator: She’s a stern one; you know the type.  They’re soulmates, those two.  They met three weeks ago, were married a week later, and left for their honeymoon immediately after.  He’s not the only one.  Participants in our service have been getting married at an alarming rate. 

Doctor: How bizarre. This sounds less like speed-date, and more like speed-mate.   Are there many programs like yours in the city, speed dating, that is?

Coordinator: Groovymatch, you mean.  Sure.  A few months ago this socialite, Isabella Scarpetti, thought up the idea.  Since then almost every bar in the city has jumped on the wagon and hosts a Groovymatch night.

Doctor: May I see that photo again?

Coordinator: Sure.  Actually, I’ll give you one of our brochures.  It has a list of all the other locations where events are held in the city, in case ever get lonely and wanna give it a whirl.

Doctor: Thank you.  Oh, and one more question: How did the couple leave for their honeymoon approximately one week ago with all travelways shut down after the security alert?

 (back to Lucie and her dates)

Lucie: (uncomfortably) Hello, I’m Lucie.

Ethan: You look familiar, are you one of my daughters friends?

Lucie: Probably not, I mean, unless you had a daughter when you were 40.

Ethan: You have a good sense of humor.  I like that.  I’m Ethan.  What’s your name.

Lucie:  Lucie.  I already told you that, but I know it’s hard with…alzheimers…and…dementia…and …stuff.

Ethan: Lucie, I consider myself a source of wisdom and guidance. 

Lucie: I bet you are, I mean since you’ve been alive at least twice as long and what not.

Ethan: With me, you would not only have a lover, but a mentor.  I want a relationship with passion, with spice!

Lucie: (murmering) Oh, where’s that whiskey when I need it?

Ethan: Would you like me to buy you a drink?

Lucie: No thank you.  (bell rings)  It was nice meeting you, Ethan, I’ll keep you in mind the next time I’m

in New York looking for a surrogate grandfather.

Brock: Hi, there. 

Lucie: Hello

Brock: Don’t you look lovely, tonight? What is your name?

Lucie: Thanks, I’m Lucie.

Brock: I’m Brock.  Are you British?

Lucie: Ding, ding! We’ve got a winner!

Brock: (chuckles) That is simply amazing. You know, I always believed Brits to have nasty teeth, but yours look just fine. 

Lucie: You’re probably thinking of the Irish.  We’ve got dentists in England.

Brock: You’re English!  Well, let me ask you this: how does it feel to know that hundreds of countries were stripped of their cultures at the hands of your Imperialist practices?

Lucie: Blimey, you think I had anything to do with that? I don’t meddle in politics.  I don’t trust politicians as far as I can throw them.  (sort of to herself) Though, I was thought to be a future dictator in the making, which seems even more ironic the more I think about. 

Brock: I beg your pardon.

Lucie: Oh, never mind.  Getting back to the point, English imperialism was not the worst of its kind, relatively speaking.  Heck, the Sea Devils tried to take over the entire bleedin’ planet and defeat the human race!  If anyone, it’s them you should hold a grudge against.  Granted, it was theirs to begin with and the Master provoked them. 

Brock: Who?

Lucie:  Hmm, maybe that hasn’t happened yet.  That’s the problem with this time travel stuff, screws with your sense of history. 

Brock: Time travel?

Lucie: You wouldn’t understand. (bell rings) You know what that means…

Brock: (to himself) The girl’s gone ape.

Al: Now you’re the kind of gal I’m looking for.  I don’t know where all these waifs come from when all a man really wants is some vadavoom. ( Points to her rump and winks).

Lucie: This may be my first time at this speed dating thing, but I know enough to know that you’re supposed to be getting familiar with me, not with my bum.  And why is everyone always staring at me pickin bum?!?  Tell you what, I’ve wasted too much time in my past with pigs like you.  You can have this round to yourself.  

Lucie: Oy, Doctor!

Doctor: Lucie.

Doctor: Lucie, I don’t know if we should stay here.  Something isn’t right. 

Lucie: I know, I’ve had five “dates so far” and I think it’s safe to say there won’t be any groovy matches made tonight.  These blokes are beastly.

Doctor: No, I wasn’t referring to your suitors.  I’m talking about time.  What year is it, Lucie?

Lucie: The year of the Beatles’ first U.S. Tour, 1964.

Doctor: Right. And when did speed dating first come about?

Lucie: 1964, from the looks of it.

Doctor: Exactly.  I thought about it and recalled that the speed dating came about in the eighties.  1986, I believe.  Why would someone want to bring speed dating twenty years back in time?

Lucie: You’ve got me, doctor.  (bell rings) It’s time for my next “date”.

Doctor: (sternly) Lucie.

Lucie: Don’t worry doctor; just  five more to go.   Ooh, isn’t he easy on the eyes?

Doctor: (sighs) Could she just listen to me for once?

Frank: Hi, doll.  How are you doing this evening?

Lucie: (absent mindedly, blissfully) You’re fine.  (catching herself, stumbling) Uh, I mean, I’m fine.  I’m doing fine.  I’m Lucie.

Frank: I’m Franklin.  You can call me Frank.

Lucie: Nice to meet you, Frank. 

Frank: So, are you a regular at this thing?

Lucie: Oh, no, not me.  I’m out of town, on a short visit to catch the Beatles on tour and this looked like a good way to pass the time.  I normally pick up dates at the corner pub, but the last time I did that, the chap got so drunk he mistook me for one of the leaders of the Muckers  and tried to beat me face in.  It’s funny cause I don’t even give a rat’s about football.  Luckily, I spotted a broken stool nearby so, I yanked off the leg and rammed it into…Oy, earth to Frank!

Frank: Oh..(refocusing on Lucie).  I was just noting the décor in this place. It’s remarkable.

Lucie: (noticing it for the first time) Yeah, you’re right.  I’ve never seen a staircase with a gold railing.  Is your accent American or British? I can’t tell

Frank: Yes

Lucie: Are you even listening to me?

Frank: How could I not? The sound of your voice is like fine leather.

Lucie: Hmm, I haven’t heard that one before.  I’m not sure if that’s a compliment.  Blast it, did you just wink at that man?

Frank: Calm down, Goldielocks.  There’s enough Frank to go around for everyone.

Lucie: I think you’re at the wrong speed date.  And the one you want won’t come around until some fifteen years in the future, at least. 

Frank: Thirty-four years. 

Lucie: Well, the doctor said the first…, what did you say?

Frank: (nostalgialicly) Good times.  (bell rings) Time to switch, doll eyes.  Tell your sexy Victorian friend I’ll be around if he’s interested. 

Lucie: Whatever.

Richard: Hi, how are you?

Lucie: I’m doing alright.  Thanks for asking. 

Richard: I’m Richard.

Lucie: I’m Lucie.

Richard: Is that spelled with a “y”.

Lucie: With an “I” “E”.

Richard: I knew a Lucie who spelled it that way back in my Columbia days.  She was in the same fellowship program as me.  Also – a fellow Fulbright scholar.  Where did you study, Lucie?

Lucie: Thornton Grammar School

Richard: Excuse me, I mean which University?

Lucie: I never got around to University.  I never learned much in school, anyhow.  I’m more the street smarts type. 

Richard: (with a judgemental air) I see.  So, what is your opinion on the passing of the Gulf of Tonkin Resolution?

Lucie: Oh, you mean those little trucks the sprogs play with? I don’t really have an opinion on them…

Richard: I’m sorry, Lucie.  But I don’t think this is going to work out.  You see, I’m looking for a girl with a pedigree, one who is ivy-league bred who knows the difference between William Wallace and George Wallace.

Lucie: Look here, Richard.  I know more than you can ever hope to about “current events” and future events, for that matter.  And I don’t need to prove anything to your blinkered arse.  I can tell you that in 1976 the UK will win Eurovision, in twenty or so years MTV will be born, and in the eighties or nineties surgeons will be able to suck out all your fat without killing you.  And you probably have no bleeding idea what I’m even talking about. 

Richard: Your nonsensical rants don’t impress me. 

Lucie: (sneering) Well, let me impress upon you, Richard, a kind suggestion – You should go by your nickname, because that’s what you are.  (bell rings) Good bye and good pickin riddance.

Emilio: (speaking slowly with a thick Italian accent) Good evening.

Lucie: (anxious to finally be paired with Emilio) Hi, I’m Lucie.

Emilio: A pleasure to meet you, Lucie. I’m Emilio.  How are you?

Lucie: Better, now that I’m sitting here.

Emilio: I’m going to be frank with you, Lucie.  I’ve had my eye on you all night.

Lucie: Really? Is it because my fly was unzipped? I was hoping no one saw.

Emilio: Fly? No, no.  It is because you are undeniably the most stunning woman here. 

Lucie: (eagerly) I am? So are you, I mean, of the men.

Emilio: I sense you are nervous.

Lucie: You must have sharp senses. 

Emilio: Do you like to swim, Lucie?

Lucie: Yeah, I do.  (as an afterthought). As long as there are no crocodiles.

Emilio: What do you say we ditch this joint and you join me for dinner – and after a midnight swim in the harbor?

Lucie: That sounds brilliant.  Of course, I’ll have to make sure it’s o.k. with my friend.  But I’m sure he won’t mind. 

Emilio: Do you have a, how do you say, bikini?

Lucie: No, but I’ve never refused a little dip in my skivvies.

Emilio: Ok, let us be off.

Lucie: Doctor, I’m going out to dinner.

Doctor: With who?

Lucie: The fit Italian guy. 

Doctor: I’m not sure if that’s a good idea, Lucy.  You don’t know your way around the city and I already told you that there is something fishy surrounding this whole ordeal. 

Lucie: Come on, doctor.  You’re such a worrywart.  It will be fine. 

Doctor: I suppose.  You deserve to have a good time, Lucie.

Lucie: Don’t forget, you can get in touch with me by mobile.

Doctor: Did I install the Universal Roaming Service in yours?

Lucie: Yeah, you did.

Doctor: Alright.  Please be safe, Lucie. And have fun.

Lucie: I’m see you later, mate.

(scene change)

Orin: (as always, in a monotone voice) No luck with the ladies, either?

Doctor: I beg your pardon.

Orin: I see none of the ladies picked you.

Doctor: Oh, you mean from the speed date!  No, I didn’t participate. 

Orin: I’m Orin.

Doctor: I’m the Doctor.

Orin: (awkwardly) Nice to meet you, the Doctor.

Doctor: Do you do this often, Orin?

Orin: Unfortunately. 

Doctor: Why is it unfortunate?

Orin: It feels rushed and disingenuous.  Like the girls already assume that if you’re here, you’re just looking for one night stands and not real relationships.  Or that you’re a total loser.

Doctor: So, you’re not in it to “get some tail”. 

Orin: Come again.

Doctor: You seek a serious relationship. 

Orin: Yes, or at the least a proper date.  Not to mention, studies show that at these events, for every inch shorter than the desirable height of a man, there will be a decrease in desirability of 5%.  So, assuming that most women want a guy who is at least six feet, at 5’5” women will experience a 25% decrease in interest when they see me.

Doctor: That seems like a generalization.  I wouldn’t take it to heart if I were you.  You seem like a respectable chap.  I’m sure there are other places where you can meet women. 

Orin: I would, but I don’t have much contact with women in my line of work.  And frankly I think I’ve had it with GroovyMatch, too.

Doctor:  Have the results been unfruitful?

Orin: When I first started coming, I felt the women actually considered me.  Then the Italians started coming. The gals love them and they love the gals.  Now I don’t stand a chance. 

Doctor: Do you mean the gentleman in the leather jacket?

Orin: Yep.  Tonight he was the only one, but sometimes the place is full of them.  Every dating event in the city is swarming with them.  They’re on some mission to mate or something.

Doctor: My friend went to dinner with the Italian man here, tonight.  I must admit it puzzled me why such a dignified, couture gentleman would be interested in a girl like Lucie.

Orin: She’s not much of a catch?

Doctor: No, it’s not that.  She’s quite extraordinary, my Lucie, but…a bit chavvy.  A chav-extraordinaire, you could say.

Orin: (to the bartender) Excuse me, I’d like another one of these.

Bartender: Same drink?

Orin: Yes.

Doctor: That must be the third drink you’ve had tonight.  You’re not even showing the slightest signs of intoxication. 

Orin: Oh, this? It’s only cranberry juice. (Chuckles).  I couldn’t drink alcohol if I wanted, with the Asian flush and all.  Maybe that’s why women aren’t interested in me…

Doctor: I see.  Orin, what do you say we go on a walk? After you finish your juice, I mean. 

Orin: Sure.  First, what do you say to some carrot juice shots?

(outside)

Doctor:  (nostalgically) Manhattan.  There is still no sensation in the world quite like walking her sidewalks. Great surges of energy sweep all around you; the air fizzes like champagne, while always there is a nervous edge of fear and whispered distant promises of sudden violence.  I read that somewhere.  Who needs lamp in a city so filled with life? (car horn honks) Bloody hell! Is everyone in this blasted city blind?

Orin: Maybe I should lead.  Do you want to go to Madison Square Garden? Wait one second, while I get a paper.  (news paper box squeaks open and slams shut). 

Doctor: Wait, let me see the front of your paper. (pause while looks at paper).  That woman!

Orin: Do you know her?  It says she’s gone missing.

Doctor: She’s the one from the honeymoon photo.

Orin: What honeymoon photo?

Doctor: A photo that the GroovyMatch coordinator showed me.  He said it was a couple that had met through the program.  They were married very soon after meeting.  I have a copy of it on a brochure somewhere, let’s see...here it is.

Orin: Looks like one of those Italian guys I was telling you about. 

Doctor: Yes, now that I think about it he quite resembles the lad Lucie went out with.

Orin: It’s odd.  Italy’s a big country and not everyone who’s Italian looks alike, but these guys, the ones who show up at the dating events, look like brothers…sometimes even twins.

Doctor: True.  Let me think for a second.  The star in the background look an awful lot like Heliurn 130.  The luminosity looks to be about two times ten to the twenty-third which would make it, where is my Ginkopf luminosity matrix? Ah, here.  Yes, just as I suspected twelve light minutes from the planet.  

Orin: So?

Doctor: Heliurn 130 is nowhere near Earth. 

Orin: Oh.

Doctor: This photo was not taken on this planet.  We’ve got to get back to the Roosevelt and  call Lucie.

(at the Roosevelt)

Doctor: Lucie, over here!

Lucie: Doctor, you’re not going to believe what a creep that guy was!

Doctor: Lucie, this is Orin.  Orin, this is my fellow traveler, Lucie Miller.

Lucie: (not giving Orin much attention). Hiya. So we went to this Italian restaurant and everything was going fine until I noticed his teeth.

Doctor: His teeth?

Lucie: I hadn’t noticed them before he started eating, but when he did I saw that they were longer than a normal person’s, and thinner, and had what looked like sharp tips.  I don’t know how I didn’t see them before.  They were almost too big to fit in his mouth.  Why is every guy that likes me a blooming weirdo?

Doctor: How bizarre.

Lucie: That’s not all.  He polished off ten glasses of water in a half an hour.  He was a regular ol’ camel.

Doctor: Unquentiable thirst…how peculiar.

Lucie: He finally went to the bathroom and I was seriously considering leaving.  Then I got your call and I was out of there in the bat of an eye. 

So his sister in law is missing?

Orin: Here, take a look at the paper. 

Doctor: Lucie, I have reason to believe that this man and his kin are not from this planet.

Lucie: I could have told you that!  Do you think we can help her? The missing girl?

Doctor: We can try, but we know very little. We need to find out where these men are from and what business they have here. 

Orin: My roommate is a government guy.  He works with the city records.  I bet I could enlist his help with digging up some dirt on these suspicious fellas.

Doctor: That would be splendid, Orin.  Ok, here’s the plan.  Lucie, you and I can get a room here, at the Roosevelt for the night, since the Tardis is…umm…malodorous.  Orin, can you meet us here in the morning?

Orin: Tomorrow is what day? Yep, shouldn’t be a problem.

Lucie: Alright, but I hope we are getting a room with two beds, right? Can’t have you getting the wrong idea.

Doctor: I never expected to hear such a request from a girl who (pronouncing it slowly like it is a foreign phrase) “just wants some tail.

Lucie: Whatever. 

(in the morning)

Lucie: I hope they get here soon.  The longer we wait in this lobby the more I keep expecting to see Emilio walk in, looking for a fresh neck to bite. 

Doctor: I’m just glad you got out of there when you did.  Who knows his intentions were.  Whatever they were, given recent news I presume they were nefarious. 

Orin: Good morning! Allow me to introduce my roommate, Frank.

Lucie: You!

Frank: Remember me, sweetheart? (noticing the doctor, with peaked interest) and you brought your handsome friend. 

Lucie: You guys are roomates?

Frank: Oh, we’re more than that!

Lucie: I’m not surprised.

Orin: (restraining his annoyance, speaking deliberately) No. we. Are. Not. Why do you insist on saying that?

Frank: You’ve got to stir up some jealousy.  This is why you can’t get any girls.  You should listen to me.  I’ll have you swarming with ladies..and men. 

Doctor: (clearing his throught to redirect their attention).  Nice to meet you, Frankin.  I’m the Doctor.  Were you able to find any pertinent information on the subjects?

Frank: Doctor, what we’ve got is a group of bonafide freaks on our hands.  Listen to this: the guy you were curious about, this Emilio.  I looked him up on the personal record databased.  There are 200 recorded Emilios in New York.  I narrowed the search by age and sex.

Lucie: You mean there are women named Emilio?

Frank: Hold the judgement, sweet cheeks.  You’re asking a guy who went by the name of Electra for a while. 

Lucie: You don’t look much like an “Electra”.

Frank: I am a man of many faces.

Doctor: You were saying…

Frank: After narrowing the search Orin was able to identify our boy by his photograph. His name is Emilio Scarpetti.

Doctor: Scarpetti…where have I heard that name, before?

Frank: A better question is where you haven’t heard that name.  Based on my research there are over 500 Scarpetti’s in the city of New York.  That’s even weirder considering it is a less common surname in Italy. 

Lucie: They must be inbreeding! Yuck. (sneezes)

Orin: Bless you.  Would you like a tissue?

Lucie: You’ve got cat hair all over you.  I think it’s giving me allergies.

Orin: I’m sorry.  I was up all night tending to my Thundersqueak.  She had a cold and I had to keep her hydrated.  I didn’t even get around to changing my sweater this morning.

Frank: Lucie, Orin told me that you noticed something unusual about the man’s teeth, is that right?

Lucie: Notice it? He was pointing those fangs in me pickin face! (sneezing again)

Orin: Bless you.

Frank: Now, that strikes me as odd.  I examined his photo on record.  It gave a clear view of his teeth and there was nothing unusual about them, at all.

Orin: Lucie, are you certain he had fangs? Or were you, you know, a little tipsy.

Lucie: (offended) I’m telling you what I saw! Alright? And even if I was a little sloshed, I’m from Blackpool.  I’ve been drinking since I was tall enough to reach the liquor store counter.

Orin: Ok, calm down.  I wasn’t questioning your alcohol tolerance.

Doctor: If Lucie is correct, that sounds to me like the side effect of a perception filter. 

Lucie: A perception _what_?

Doctor:  A technology that has the effect of directing attention away from the object or its bearer or to alter the appearance of the bearer.  But such devices require elements not innate to this planet.  Native  elements could be substituted, but they are weak substitutes, as tremendous amounts are required. 

Orin: What kind of native elements?

Doctor: Plutonium, uranium…

Lucie: Uranium?

Doctor: The warehouse! Brilliant!  There must be a connection between the stolen uranium and the Scarpetti’s.  Assuming all 500 of them are utilizing detection filters and fueling it with uranium, that would require an entire nuclear stockpile!

Lucie: What I want to know is if they are using these things to alter their appearance, what do they really look like?

Orin: (uneasily) We have yet to find out.

Frank: But that’s not all! I also searched the USCIS records for date of entry.

Lucie: USCIS?

Orin: US Citizenship and Immigration Services

Frank: There is nothing! Nada! Zilch!

Doctor: You mean to say there is no record of their entry to the city?

Frank: Or the country.  Now everyone knows that the Uncle Sam doesn’t let just anyone in to this promised land without passing through a hell of a lot of customs and immigrations procedures.  Now Orin tells me our boy has a thick Italian accent.  It strikes me as odd that someone who clearly hasn’t lived in this country his entire life has no immigration records. 

Doctor: Did you look for a birth certificate?

Frank: Nothing.  No record of birth.

Lucie: He’s like a ghost.

Orin: A vampire ghost.

Lucie: (sneezes)

Orin: Bless you.

Doctor: I’ve got it!  Scarpetti is the name of the lady who created speed dating! In this timeline, at least. 

Lucie: What are the chances that her son would be using her service?

Doctor: Precisely.

Orin: And the other Italian guys who are always hanging around these events.  I bet they’re involved, too.

Frank: Ok, now you just sound xenophobic.

Orin: You can’t say that when you call me your little _Dim Sum_.

Frank: That’s not xenophobic, that’s just orientalist.

Orin: (groans) How do I live with him?

Lucie: So how are we supposed to figure out what these blokes are up to without getting their attention?

Frank: (after a pause) Actually, I think getting their attention is just what we need to do.

Lucie: I’m not going anywhere near those spooks.  Count me out.

Frank: Listen to this, cubscouts.  Tonight, _I_ will go to GroovyMatch.  Hopefully, our boy will be there or another member of the Scarpetti clan.  If he is, I’ll catch his eye and seduce him.

Lucie: How are you going to do that.

Orin: Oh, believe me, he can.

Frank: You guys maintain a safe distance, but keep an eye on me.  When I have him around my finger, we’ll leave.  You guys trail behind. 

Doctor: And what can we hope to learn, following you around?

Frank: What Lucie didn’t.  We can find out what he hopes to get out of Groovymatch.  If things get sketchy, I’ll dip out.  What do you say?

Doctor: If you’re willing to put yourself in that position, Frank.  I suppose it’s worth a try.  Don’t you agree, Lucie?

Lucie: Yeah, whatever.  I don’t want anything to do with this, but I’m a decent human being and I wanna help this missing girl as much as the next person. 

Orin: I’m not sure that I’ll be able to make it.  I’ve got a shoot scheduled with a pack of sphynxes, tonight.  You know, the naked cats? 

Frank: Aww, jealous!

Orin: Of what?

Franklin: Being able to go around clothes-less without the suffocating constraints of societal norms telling you to put those pants back on!

Orin: (drawing out the “O”) O.k. But, I can meet you as soon as it’s over. 

Doctor: Lucie, why don’t you give Orin your mobile number.

Lucie: I’ll write it for you.  When you’re done, call this number and I’ll tell you our whereabouts. 

Orin: What if you aren’t near a phone?

Lucie: Never mind that.  Just call.

Frank: And one more thing, what do you say we go out for a drink when this is wrapped up?

Lucie: (sounding hopeful) Yeah, I guess so.

Frank: I was talking to him (looks at the doctor). 

(later that night at the hotel lounge)

Coordinator: (speaking through a microphone, distantly) It’s almost time for Groovymatch! The new dating game where we pair you with eligible matches for five groovy minutes at a time!  First round starts in five!

Doctor: (speaking over the coordinator) Over here, Lucie.  The banister obscures us from their view, but if you lean ever so slightly you have a clear look at the unfolding action below. 

Lucie: Ok.  (to the bartender) Oy, I’ll have a scotch on the rocks, please.

Doctor: Don’t you think you should pace yourself?   We still have a long night ahead of us.

Lucie: I’m stressed!

Doctor: You’ve been more irritable than lately, I have noticed.

Lucie: You would be, too, if you were close to becoming a meal for some illegally-border-crossing, possibly inbred piranha-man!  I just hope we get this mess sorted out in time for the Beatles concert.  I just want to have a fancy free night for once, no alien-chasing, no anomaly-skirting, plan-concocting. 

Doctor: I promise you we will and you know I am a man of my word.  Look, Emilio is back.

Lucie: Gives me the willies.

Doctor: I have no Earthly idea how Frank plans to seduce him.

Lucie: He swore he could do it. 

Doctor: Why is it we always find ourselves putting trust in complete strangers?

Lucie: Because they are our only chance and we’ve got nothing to lose.  Besides, I was once a complete stranger and I’m guessing you’re glad you took your chances on little ol’ me.

Doctor: I didn’t have much of a choice, did I, when you just decided to materialize in the Tardis all of a sudden. 

Lucie: And I _did_ accuse you of kidnapping me. 

Doctor: And you asked me if my hair was real.  (both laugh).  But, yes, you’ve exceeded all my expectations, Lucie Miller.  (after a pause) Looks like Frank is moving in for the kill.

Lucie: What is he…?!? Well, that’s what I call eye-snogging!

Doctor: He’s certainly captured his attention.  

Lucie: He’s gonna have to find a way to break away from the ladies and beeline over to Emilio.

Doctor: (shouting in background) His current date does not seem to appreciate his misplaced affections.

Lucie: I know how that feels.  Ya know, I get weird vibes from Frank, too.

Doctor: How so?

Lucie: Well, he was at GroovyMatch last night.  When I got around to his table and we started chatting, he gave me the impression that he had some prior knowledge that the whole speed date was an anacr..what’s the word?

Doctor: An anachronism.

Lucie: Yes, an anachronism.  He seemed to know that it actually came about in the eighties, like you said.  (mostly to herself) I guess I should say _will_ come about. I’ll never get that straight.

Doctor: Now that I think about it, you’re right.  The way he was talking about filtering his searches, you’d think he was using an electronic database and not hard records, but that isn’t possible in this decade.  This city is just teeming with anomalies.

Lucie: He’s making a break for it! 

Doctor: Look at the face of the lady who was next for him! Nobody expected to see the two most attractive men at the speed date to pair with each other.    

Lucie: (delighted) She looks like she’s gonna sock him in the trap. (sneezes).  Ugh, somehow I got Orin’s cat hair floated over to me fleece. 

Doctor: Their body language tells me that Frank hit the mark. 

Lucie: (thinking) You see Emilio picking up his glass?

Doctor: (a little confused) Yes..?

Lucie: Do right-handed people usually hold their drink with their left-hand?

Doctor: I would think they would use their predominate hand.

Lucie: Last night, he held his drink with his right hand and now he is using his left.

Doctor: What are you suggesting?

Lucie: I don’t think that’s Emilio at all.

Doctor: Brilliant deduction, Lucie. I’m impressed.

Lucie: So it must be one of the twin brothers that Orin was talking about.  Wicked! He’s the spitting image of Emilio. 

Doctor: Which means their mission is a large-scale operation and for some reason they alternate.  Now why would they do that?

Lucie: Maybe because I’m not the first date that they’ve sent running in terror and they are afraid of being discovered.

Doctor: But they are identical, so they are not really hiding.  It’s almost as if each member is tasked with picking up one date.  But why do they each need one human date and what are the ends of the means?

Lucie: They’re leaving!

Doctor: Quietly, let’s go down the back staircase and loop around to trail them at the main entrance.

(outside)

Lucie: They’re walking so fast! I can barely see them in the crowd.

Doctor: The two tall figures at 2 o’clock.  They just dipped inside that restaurant on the corner.

Lucie: I should’ve guessed!  The same pickin Italian restaurant the bloke took me too last night.  Men are faux-romantics, the whole lot of ‘em!

Doctor: We aren’t yet certain they are even men.

Lucie: Do we wait outside?

Doctor: By the bay window.  We’ll chat nonchalantly, but peer in on intervals.  Frank may be in danger and we are the only ones capable of intercepting a threat.  Come on! (sound of running on pavement)

Lucie: Ughhh, I hope they aren’t long.  I don’t know how long I can wait out here in the cold.

Doctor: I wouldn’t worry.  From my vantage point, it looks as though they ordered two glasses of wine and no comestibles.  Better for expediency. 

Lucie: Good.  This romance seems to be moving awful fast. 

Doctor: That is the premise of speed date, after all, is it not?

Lucie: Look, they’re moving closer.  (sneezes)

Doctor: Bless you.  Is it me or do you have the impression they are moving closer?

Lucie: Yeah, like to kiss.  But his teeth!

Doctor: I’m not going to let that happen.

Lucie: Where are you going?!?

(inside the restaurant)

Frank: Your skin is like ivory.

Emilio 2: You flatter me.

Frank: And your lips are so full.

Emilio 2: Would you like to taste them?

Frank: I was hoping you would ask.

Emilio 2: Come here, bello.

Doctor: I beg your pardon.  As a fellow patron and a family man it offends my notions of decency to look over and see such an outrageous public display of affections.  I would appreciate it if you would respect the interests of the other parties here and refrain from such impropriety. 

Frank: (dramatically) You son of a…(cut off by Emilio 2)

Emilio: Very well, sir.  We will leave this establishment.  But in two weeks time you will curse the day you meddled with one of my kind.

 (after the Doctor leaves)

Frank: What did you mean - _in two weeks_?

Emilio: The Scarpetti clan is growing more powerful.  It won’t be long before we are the most powerful family in New York City.

(back outside)

Doctor: That was close.

Lucie: You’ve got guts, Doctor.

Doctor: You think he would have enough sense to not go around snogging people with fangs.

Lucie: They’re leaving now. 

Doctor: (whispering) Let’s go!

Lucie: This street is so dark and empty.

Doctor: I doubt it’s incidental. 

Lucie: We’re the only ones around for kilometers.

Doctor: Stay close to the buildings so we are streamlined. 

Lucie: Oh. My. Days.

Doctor: What is it?

Lucie: you see that building they just passed. 

Doctor: Yes.

Lucie: (urgently) It’s all shiny-lik.

Doctor: Yes.

Lucie: And there’s just enough moonlight to create a reflection.

Doctor: Quite right.

Lucie: But the other-Emilio doesn’t have one!

Doctor: (interested) Just like the vampires in the books.

Lucie: Wait, is somebody following us?

Doctor: I don’t know. Why?

Lucie: I thought I saw something move, a ways back, but now I don’t see anything.

Doctor: Let’s just focus on what’s in front of us and not tripping over our feet in this ghastly darkness.  I’m a little rusty on my city geography, but if I’m not mistaken I believe they are heading for the harbor.

Lucie: I bet you’re right.  It would add up since we were supposed to go swimming after dinner last night. 

Doctor: How were you planning to swim when your swimsuit is in the Tardis? (Realizing) Oh, forget I asked. (sound of feet scuttling as they change their position).  But why not go to a proper beach?

Lucie: Probably for the same reason the slimey chap chose this forsaken street, to get away from crowds. 

Doctor: Right.

(on the shore)

Frank: (starting to get unnerved, talking quickly, nervously) I’d love to take  dip with you, believe me, but do you think there’s any way we could do this tomorrow? I’ve heard that sharks come closer to land at night, and..

Emilio: I thought the attraction was, how do you say..mutual.  If I am mistaken, please correct me.

Frank: It’s not that.  You are divine. 

Emilio: Then stop telling me how you feel and show me.  I will know if what you say is true when I feel your body touch mine in the nocturnal tide.  Yes?

Frank: (taken aback, excited) Wow, I can’t say “no” to that!

Lucie: (whispering) They’re standing on the shore.

Doctor:  On the count of three, we hightail it to that bench.  One…two…three! (sound of footsteps).

Emilio 2: What was that?

Frank: What? I didn’t hear anything.

Emilio 2: A pitter-patter.

Frank: That was my heartbeat, baby. 

Emilio 2:  Is that normal? I mean so loud?

Frank: It is when you’re hot and heavy.

Emilio 2: Good.  I’m going to go over there and change into my swim trunks. 

Frank: Your inhibition is adorable.

Emilio 2: Stay right there.  I’ll be back.

Frank: Whatever you say, Casanova.

Lucie: (whispering) I don’t think Frank has a swimsuit, either. (sound of marching) What the…

Doctor: Something tells me he won’t be needing one.

Squad Member: (a little distant, as heard by Lucie & the Doctor) Stay where you are. Do not resist.

Lucie: (whispering) So that’s what they really look like! They’re like giant goth prawn!

Frank: (babbling in an attempt to distract) Hey fellas.  I have nothing against getting loose with giant arthropods, but my trousers are laying over there and my modesty is starting to kick in.  Who knew I had that in me, right? Woah, usually I like to get to know each other a little before I let you touch that.

Squad Member: Restrain him!

Frank: Restraint, hmm, I’ve never like bondage much, myself.  See ya! (sound of running)

Lucie: (still whispering)  There’s a whole of army of ‘em coming down the beach.

Doctor: I fear he won’t make it.

Scarpetti: (speaking in a thick Italian accent)  Where do you think you are going, Signor? ( a thud, as Frank runs into a squad member).

Frank: Stay back, you ugly bitch!

Scarpetti: Struggling is futile.  As you may have noticed, I have backup along the shore.  You’ll only waste energy  and _that_ you will need for the long journey ahead of you.

Frank: There you are, you deceitful scoundrel!

Emilio 2: You didn’t really think I was interested you romantically. 

Frank: Your acting was pretty darn convincing!

Emilio 2: (laughs) No, no.  I like them with a little hair above the lip.

Frank: A mustache?

Emilio 2: Yes, the mustache. 

Frank: Why didn’t you tell me?

Scarpetti: (clears throat to interrupt). Turn off your perception filter, Giuseppe.  You’re running down whatever uranium it has left and you know are supply runs low. 

Emilio 2: My apologies.  Isabella, what do you think of the specimen?

Scarpetti: (examing Frank) Strong, healthy, a fine offering.

Lucie: (sneezes)

Scarpetti: Who is that? Over there! Show yourselves!

Lucie: Snookered by bleedin’ seafood.

Doctor: (maintaining a cool composure) Come on, Lucie.

Scarpetti: (surprised) You?

Lucie: Who?

Scarpetti: (delighted) The Doctor!  We detected a current from the dematerialization circuit of your Tardis and were thus made aware of your arrival.  We thought it was one of our own ships at first until we approached it and observed a foul odor.

Doctor: Yes, well the gas exchange system is a little off.  How do you know who I am?

Scarpetti: You are a legend where we come from.  I was hoping to make your acquaintance.  You don’t recognize us?

Doctor: You’re Isabella Scarpetti, I surmise.

Scarpetti: I was referring to our kind.  You are not familiar with our race?

Doctor: Does that surprise you?

Scarpetti: Do you remember the Kromon?

Doctor: (through gritted teeth) I wish I could forget them. 

Scarpetti: We are the descendents of a group of Kromon that found a way to leave the Alpha Zone.  In fact, we have you to thank for that.  It was you who revealed that an interactive gyro conductor scope is in essential component to a time and space traveling capsule. 

Doctor: But I gave you no further explanation.  What good are words without a meaning?

Scarpetti: They gained a meaning.  After you left we captured more hapless travelers, whose survival depended on their ability to give meaning to your words.  We are especially grateful to one of your kind who voluntarily assisted us in building a prototype and thus providing the remaining pieces of the puzzle.

Doctor: One of my kind?

Scarpetti: Mortimus he called himself.

Doctor: The self-interested swine! And what did he want in return?

Scarpetti:  Kontron Crystals.  They are in plentiful supply in the Alpha Zone.  As I’m sure you know, they are rich in Taranium. 

Doctor: What use would he have for Taranium?

Scarpetti: (coyly) How would I know?  (Suddenly irritated) Why do you keep interrupting my story?

Doctor: (disingenuously) Sorry.

Scarpetti: (continuing with regained composure) And so it was that we settled on our new home planet, Saturnyne.  We evolved in response to our new external pressures.  Of course we retained certain fundamental characteristics and needs, hydration, for example is still a priority.  We call ourselves the Saturnyn.  Saturnyne, Saturnyn, clever, yes?

Doctor: If you say so.  But why would the Kromon counsel permit you to leave the interzone, if you don’t mind me asking?

Scarpetti: We, too, bartered.  As you may recall, the Kromon require hybrid-queens for repopulation.

Doctor: (disgusted) You wouldn’t.

Scarpetti: So in exchange for our exodus we agreed to supply them with prime specimens from other worlds, ripe for the conversion process.

Doctor: (With realization and dismay) The missing women.

Scarpetti: We transport the candidates in our hydropod, which now lies in the bay.  It functions much like your tardis, but is more suited for underwater biospheres. 

Lucie: Glad I didn’t go for that swim. 

Doctor: You cannot take native species from their planet against their will and change their very essence to suit your needs! 

Scarpetti: It’s a rather painless process and a great honor in Kromon society to be chosen as one of the progeny-bearers. 

Lucie: If it’s the next octomom you’re looking for, then what business do ya have with a bloke like Frank?

Emilio 2: (surprised) You mean you cannot bear offspring?

Frank:  Not with you.  (Laughs) Please, don’t flatter yourself!

Emilio 2: Take her instead! (minions run towards Lucie).

Doctor: Lucie!

Lucie: That’s not what I meant! I’m going to make a crab cake out of you when this is said and done!

Doctor: It’s no wonder you have such a hard time concealing yourselves in this foreign civilization.  You didn’t even take the time to learn the basics of human biology!

Scarpetti: You assume most are as astute as yourself.  This mission has been so successful that we plan to continue operations on this planet for an indefinite amount of time. 

Doctor: But your uranium supply is limited!

Scarpetti: We won’t need to use the perception filters much longer.  In two weeks the hydropod will return.  This time it will carry many more of our kind.   We will take over governments, one country at a time, until this planet is a colony of Saturnyne.  Then we will continue this Groovymatch foolishness. 

Doctor: How many of these hydropods do you have?

Scarpetti: One, why?

Doctor: How to you expect to transport enough forces in one capsule?

Scarpetti: It can be done.  Though, it may require various trips.  And our technicians will copy its design to produce more.  Our other ships are not suited for this atmosphere.  The nitrogen corrodes outer plating.  What is the point of these questions? We are wasting time, no?  Take the scrawny girl to the hydropod.

Lucie: Who ya calling scrawny, ya mollusk punk.  Oy, stop pushing me, you’re messing up me hair.  It took thirty minutes to get it to poof like that!

Scarpetti: We will take you, too, Doctor.  We may need your technological expertise.  Right this way, please step into the water.

(sound of clattering, stumbling, somebody apologizing)

Orin: (shouting with all the confidence he can muster, still monotone) Let them go or I swear over my crossed-eyed siamese, I will melt your soul! (Sound of a generator turning on).

Squad Members: (shriek and wail) Turn it off! It burns! Noooo! (sound of several diving into the water).

Lucie: (Grunting) Let me go! I’m stronger than I look and I’m holding my ground until you let me go or those lights burn your twig and berries right off of ye.  What will it be mate? (sound of captor yelping and keeling away). 

Orin: Yeah, that’s right!  Nobody messes with raurin’ Orin!

Frank: Let’s get out of here!

Doctor: Wait, not just yet! Frank, I need your help.  There still may be captives in that hydropod of theirs and we may have just enough time to rescue them.  Can you swim?

Frank:  My deltoids didn’t get this toned by sitting in front of the computer.

Doctor: Then let’s go! (sound of splashing in water)

Frank: (after swimming for a while)  My foot just hit something hard!

Doctor: Let me have a look.  (sound of diving downward). (Coming up and gasping for air).  It’s spherical! Perfect!  Did you see an opening shaft?

Frank: Give me a second (dives down).  (Coming up and gasping) I see a hatch over here.  But the entire thing is the width of a hoola-hoop.  I don’t see how several people could be in there, let alone one of those shrimp-things.

Doctor: If it really is modeled after the tardis, then that probably means – (dramatic pause) it’s bigger on the inside!  I’m going to open the hatch with my screwdriver.  If there are people inside we’re going to hoist them out and to the surface.  I’m guessing it won’t take long before any sort of buoyancy barrier is overcome by the water flowing in and it starts to flood and eventually starts sinking. 

Frank: I’ll be right behind you. (sound of diving down, then of sonic screwdriver, then of hatch opening).  (unintelligible shouting emerges from the hydrosphere). 

Doctor: (breaking through the surface and heaving) How many more are in there?

Girl 1: Two more, but be careful there…(doctor dives down and her voice is muffled).

Frank: Hold on to me!

Girl 2: They’re coming! There are two… (voice cut off when pulled down).

Frank: They’re pulling her down!

Doctor: I’ve got  her. Come here you beastly arthropod!

Squad Member: Give us the specimen!

Doctor: This is for what you did to L’da. (whacking noise) and this is for what you tried to do to Charley. (a second thump).  (to one of the girls) I’ve got you.  Just swim to shore.  We aren’t far. 

Lucie: Are you o.k.?

Orin: Let me help you, ma’am.

Doctor: (after regaining his breath and composure) I have to thank you, Orin.  You really pulled through. 

Orin: It was nothing.

Doctor: But I must ask, how did you know that they were sensitive to light?

Orin: I’ve seen enough movies to know that vampires stay in the dark.

Doctor: How odd.  I would have thought that only UV light could burn a surface, but those lights are presumably from your photography studio.

Orin: This one is.  That one is from Frank’s tanning bed.

Frank: I told you that bed was a wise investment.

Lucie: You were the one following us!

Orin: Yeah, I followed you from the Italian restaurant.  I was trying to mimick the Bengals hunting pattern.  They are the stealthiest of the wild cats.

Lucie: You swot.

Girl 2: You saved us!  Thank you all. 

Girl 3: I want to go home.

Doctor: Yes, right away.  But before you go I need you to do promise to do something.  After you are rested and well, you must go to the authorities and tell them what happened.

Girl 1: They aren’t going to believe us!

Doctor: They will when they see this.  Lucie, would you hand me that box in the sand? Tell them it is a device that modifies the brain’s visual perceptions.  Let them examine it.  Mention “uranium”.  Implicate the Scarpetti family.  Since the one commonality the missing women all share is is that they were last seen with a Scarpetti, it won’t be hard to connect the dots.  The remaining Scarpetti’s identities won’t last long with their limited uranium supply and then they will be easy to detain.  Also, with their one and only hydropod destroyed I don’t expect any reinforcements to be sent.  However, it might be best if these two escort you for the next few days, just to be safe.  Would you gentleman object?

Frank & Orin: (trying to contain their eagerness) No, not a problem.  Not at all. 

Doctor: You were very brave, Frank, and you were very clever, Orin.  If our paths do not cross again, know that you did your City and quite possibly your planet a great service.  Now, go on and walk them home.

Frank: It was nice working with you, Doctor.  I hope we meet again.

Orin: Goodbye, Doctor.  Safe travels, Lucie.

Lucie: Cheers!

Girl 3: (voices fading as they walk away) What’s your name?

Orin: I’m Orin.

Frank: (interjecting) I’m Frank! Are you ladies single?

Girl 3: (ignoring Frank) I’m Barb. 

Orin: What do you do, Barb?

Girl 3: I don’t want to talk about myself, right now, after everything that happened.  Tell me about yourself.

Orin: (incredulous) What? Oh, well, I like cats.

Girl 3: Me, too!

Lucie: We did it, doctor. What is this?  It’s a dorky wristwatch or something. 

Doctor: Let me have a look.  I think it’s a vortex manipulator.  It’s soaking wet.

Lucie: (reluctantly) I guess we’ve got another anacro-thingy to explain.

Doctor: It can wait.  We’ll drop it off at the Roosevelt’s lost and found and call it a day.  It doesn’t even concern me right now.  Do you know why? Because I’ve got a commitment  with a certain girl and a certain yellow submarine that I really must honor.

Lucie: Blimey, it’s Wednesday!

Doctor: And an hour before doors open. 

Lucie: If that isn’t luck, if you know what I mean.

Doctor: (singing) And the way she looked was way beyond campare, so how could I dance with another, Oooh!

Lucie: (Jokingly) Shut up, ye Martian, you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Ok, a super DW buff I know read this and didn't get all the references, so I think an explanation is called for.
> 
> 1\. Frank - If you got that he is supposed to be Jack, good job! If not, these were the hints: he goes by Franklin (that was Jack's dad's name), he seems to have a knowledge of the future, and the wristwatch found at the end was his vortex manipulator from his days as a time agent, "a man of many faces". The overall idea is that Jack is in that time and place on a time agency mission. He leads Orin to believe that he works for the government. It's an easy cover since he has a lot of intel from the time agency, anyways. 
> 
> 2\. The Saturnyn Story - I realized that the Kromon's and the Saturnyn (I know they are generally not a favorite, I'm sorry) both have unquenchable thirsts. I ran with that. In my story, after the Doctor escaped the Interzone, other travelers got lost and ended up there, just as he did. The Kromon bargained for more information about time and space travel in exchange for their well-being or that of their travel companions. The Monk (also known as "Mortimus") went to the Alpha Zone to trade his knowledge of space-time vehicles for Taranium. After the Monk provided the Kromons with the information they were missing to succesfully built space-time vehicles, a group of them left the Alpha Zone and settled on the planet, Saturnyne, where they evolved in response to their new environment, until they became what we now know as the "Saturnyn". Yet, in exchange for their exodus and land they supply the Kromon with "specimens" to forcibly metamorphose into hybrid queens (as seen in the audio: "The Creed of the Kromon"). This all happens before the TV episode: "The Vampires of Venice" and before the cracks in the fabric of time and space.
> 
> 3\. The Monk's Story: As I said, the Monk ("Mortimus") went to the Alpha Zone to trade his knowledge of space-time vehicles for Taranium, which is found in Kontron Crystals ("The Universal Databank"). Taranium is a rare-element that necessary to make a Time Scoop (Prose: "Cat's Cradle: Time's Crucible). In the audio: "The Book of Kells", the Monk makes a DIY Time Scoop to capture a Tardis in order to fix his own. So, the idea is that he sought Taranium in hopes of making his own Time Scoop.
> 
> 4\. There are a few references in the story to other Doctor Who works. Lucie's rant about the Sea Devils is based on the TV episode: "The Sea Devils". The concentrated food packs in the Tardis is taken from the concept of the Food Machine that dispensed foiled wrapped blocks of food that tasted like the consumer desired, as seen in the TV episode: "The Dead Planet". 
> 
> 5\. Manahattan Project: There really was uranium stored in warehouses on Staten Island in the 1940's. Since the U.S.'s nuclear and national security programs are so opaque, who knows if there could still be some uranium stored there today? 
> 
> 6\. Speed dating: It's thought to be the brainchild of Rabbi Yaacov Deyo, originally as a way to help Jewish singles meet and marry in the 1980's. 
> 
> If there is anything else you are curious about or confused about, please leave your inquiry in a comment and I will respond. Thanks for reading!


End file.
